fighting for your political life

I know I write about Michael Steele a lot but he’s just so damn funny I can’t help it. It could also be that my black encrusted heart is thumping with glee over his monumental struggle to lead the RNC. If there was any example I could pull out of my hat to illustrate the unwavering cluelessness of the Republican Party, electing a self serving boob like Steele would always be my first choice.

This morning, Steele participated in a debate along with other wannabe candidates for the RNC chairmanship. His tenure is up and he’s holding on with tether hooks to his position. It was his time to lay it all on the line. It was his chance to defend the decisions he’s made and make nice with the upper echelon of the party so that he can keep his job. How did he do?

Well, after a lot of sucking up to the base, (reaffirming homophobia, anti-choice, and the right to stockpile a lot of guns without paying too much in taxes), he seemed to do fine. He reiterated the need for the Republican party to reach out and improve communications with the rank and file. He also pointed out the importance of expanding the tent by actively recruiting more minorities. He sounded far more reasonable than the members of the Hard Right Brigade sitting with him. That was until he decided to quote from one of his favorite books, “War and Peace”. Except, the quote was actually from Charles Dickens. Lawd Jesus.

It’s not just once gaffe that draws giggles and exasperation, it’s the entire collection of gaffes, miscues, off color comments, and general buffoonery that Steele has engaged in for the past two years. There’s no way he’s going to be re-elected because despite the fact that he has foot in the mouth disease, his real crime was financial mismanagement. In other words, he messed with other people’s money and that ain’t gonna fly. I guess I’m still wondering if the RNC expected Steele to be their own little right leaning version of Obama. Steele obviously thought he was in the same league as PBO, but those with sense knew he wasn’t.

Looks like the other side has seen it too.

dummy of the day

Poor Mark Williams. In his attempt to defend the Tea Party Movement against charges of racism from the NAACP, he writes what he claims is a satirical letter on his blog that is nothing short of racist. As a result, the Tea Party Federation expelled Williams today calling the letter, “offensive”.

Williams isn’t new to controversy. He once called President Obama a , “Muslim Welfare Thug”. He also called said that Muslims worship a , “Monkey God”. However, instead of embracing his inner racist, Williams would rationalize it and claim that his critics were overly sensitive or racists themselves.

Looks like Williams just rationalized himself out of a job now. The thing is, while Williams was the tone deaf and  culturally insensitive public face of the Tea Party, there are many more Mark Williams’ behind the scenes and in the ranks. We’ve seen the signs. We’ve heard the comments. We’ve seen the pictures. It says a lot about the organization that claimed it wasn’t racist by having this man speak on their behalf time and time again.

His ousting is just symbolic and way too late. Although it took the NAACP months to finally criticize the Tea Party, anyone who’s been paying attention to politics knew long before what exactly the Tea Party is all about. Better late than never? Not a chance.

the worst…

Political ad in the history of creation made its debut to universal derision. Carly Fiorina, the former head and destroyer of Hewlitt-Packard is running for Senate in California. Last year, her campaign website sought to rename the state ”CARLYFIORNA”  which made the world chuckle and mock her in the midst of the recession. Now she’s paid for an attack ad in which a dude crawls around in a sheep costume trying to make her opponent look like..well, no one actually knows.

It is, I repeat: THE WORST POLITICAL AD EVER. Of course this means it has become THE twitter trend topic of the day. And those in the political know are including “demonsheep” in their water cooler discussions. It’s so bad, that her Republican opponent has set up his own website in order to raise money to help thwart the spread of demon sheep.

How can anyone take Fiorina seriously when she’s responsible for such appalling foolishness? Of course this is good news for Barbara Boxer,unless she decides to make an ad featuring angelic Chihuahuas.

The ad:

I’m still scratching my head, and checking the lawn for demon sheep.

oh, just go already!

Ever have someone stop by your crib and they just don’t want to leave? You start with subtle hints and once that doesn’t work, you change into your night clothes and put some rollers in your hair. If that is unsuccessful, you then have to get all hood and tell the person, “you don’t have to go home but you got to get the hell up outta here.”  Well, South Carolina citizens may be at that point with it’s governor, Mark “Mack Daddy” Sanford. They want him to go; they’ve started to turn out the lights and put the dog in, but his ass refuses to leave.

Even after his own Lt. Governor suggested that Sanford skeedaddle, Sanford decided to do his best Jennifer Holliday impression and hold a press conference to declare that he’s telling you-he’s not going. Damn, I feel sorry for my South Carolinian neighbors. How it must suck to have the most embarrasing political figure (right now) as head of state. I mean, even John Ensign is like, “ha! this mofo right HERE!” And what can they do? Wait until his term ends and be further subjected to more media attention or rally to start impeachment proceedings which will hem up a state already suffering from the effects of the recession.

Unfortunately, Sanford refuses to do the right and honorable thing and step down. Like most cheaters he’s ruled by his selfishness and haunted by his insecurities.  I wonder if he thinks that if he sticks around folks will just forget about all the dirt he’s done. He obviously has never heard, “how can we forget if you won’t go AWAY?”

Trust me, my heart goes out to them. Yes, we have the Governator but we’d take Arnold and his crazy budget cuts over Mark Sanford and his domestic drama any day.

sell crazy somewhere else because i’m not buying

I just want to go on record as saying that this whole Birther movement is a crock of poop and that the people behind it are nuttier than squirrel shit. In the beginning, these wackos were mainly seen as a joke. They comprised of your garden variety conspiracy kooks, disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters, and Right Wingers who were searching for another Democratic Presidential Nominee to destroy. But now, their craziness has trickled into the mainstream and even Press Secretary Robert Gibbs found himself answering questions about the Administration’s response to the madness. What’s even more sickening is that there are elected Republican officials who are overtly and covertly supporting these fools.

Look, if anyone hasn’t bothered to tell you, I will: Ya’ll are a bunch of whacked out racists. Deep in your hearts you KNOW that Obama is a natural born American Citizen but your hatred and fear will not allow you face that truth. So instead you file your little lawsuits, post your crazy blogs, ambush moderate Republicans, and spam any site worth reading with your drivel. You’ve even recruited some equally crazy and self hating Negroes like Alan Keyes (putting the C in crazy all day every day) and Reverend David (Robbin’ and Stealin’) Manning (P H of D) to help your cause.

You idiots.

As if legitimate state and federal agencies would ever let a black man become President without checking him from back to front, sideways, up and down and perpendicular. The only reason why Barack Obama was able to successfully win the election is because his enemies could find nothing on him. Nothing! For him to be able to pull this great scheme off, he would need to cooperation of every state and federal entity available going back 47 years. Let me reiterate; there’s no way a brother could get the Justice Department, The Supreme Court, the Department of Homeland Security, The House of Representatives, The Senate, and the states of Illinois and Hawaii to buy into the hype no matter how smart he was or how big his grin is. Not even a safe negro like Bill Cosby could pull that shit off. Please!

Face it, the only reason why people are actually paying attention to you freaks is because it is the human tendency to laugh and mock those who lick windows in their spare time. It boosts us regular folks’ self esteem when we see middle aged white women screaming about how they don’t want the flag to change. It also makes those of of who lean slightly to the Left feel good to see those on the Right dig their graves a little deeper by trying to pass laws that require candidates to provide birth certificates.

Call this a dose of tough love if you will.  Get some help. Get a new hobby. Switch tinfoil brands. Look for a new conspiracy. (Look! Another C Street resident is caught doing the horizontal mambo with a chick who isn’t his wife!)  Do something else besides try to bring the national discourse down to the lowest common denominator because you can’t accept the fact that a black man now occupies the White House. The shit is old and it’s tired. This type of crazy is so 1994.

Get over yourselves, please!

why must i chase the cat?

“Fellas, when a brother takes off for 5 days to go to Argentina without telling anyone, is that or is that NOT a booty call?”

Yes it’s the booty call heard ’round the world. After days of speculation and whatnot, Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford finally appeared and admitted that his absence was due to an extramarital affair. According to the Mark the Mack, he met his mistress some 8 years ago, but things started heating up last year. Things got so hot, he blew off his kids for Father’s Day in order to make a super secret trip to see her. No one knew where he was? Or did they? His wife had kicked him out 2 weeks prior so I’m thinking that she was hip to the game and his official spokesman was officially vague during the Gov’s absence. Everyone else in South Carolina seemed as if they were left in the dark.

But why did he do it? Why risk so much for a roll in the hay? Why do seemingly intelligent and powerful men make such stupid mistakes? A better question, why couldn’t he find a homegrown home wrecker? There are plenty of good gold diggers right here in the U.S.A! By seeking sexual comfort in another country, one could assume that Sanford doesn’t love his own. Skanks from coast to coast can probably be heard muttering, “Traitor!” under their breaths.

What’s that saying? Whatever you do in the dark comes out in the light. And boy, did Governor Sanford feel the heat of all those spotlights on him today. He’s already resigned as head of the Republican Governor’s Association, and he can just as well kiss his 2012 Presidential hopes away. For the man who called Bill Clinton a “rascal” during the Lewinsky scandal, turnabout is fair play. Now he can join his fellow Republican accusers turned adulterers turned hypocrites like John Ensign and David Vitter in that OTHER old boy’s club: The G.(etting) O.(ther) P.(punnany).

Fool!

A Tall Glass of S.T.F.U

S.T.F.U is needed for the following..

• Sarah Palin-Once again shows how incapable she is of handling herself on the  national stage. Instead of ignoring a rather stupid joke by David Letterman, she began a campaign of thin skinned shrillness for the talking heads. After the dust settled, she all but called Letterman a child molester. Please, Governor Palin get a glass and drink up…preferably back in Alaska with no cameras or microphones.
• Carrie PreJean-Newly fired Ms. California is skipping her daily glass of S.T.F.U in lieu of proclaiming herself a victim of a set up by some evil beauty pageant cabal. Who knew that pseudo Christian bigots were in such danger?  Of course her firing could have something to do with her not fulfilling the terms of her contract, but that wouldn’t be as nearly exciting. It’s a conspiracy to keep her from being great! Great at what, who the hell knows?
• Liz Cheney-My God, this chick is everywhere.  Lying her blonde ass off for Daddy’s sake. Like Father, like Daughter they are surviving on a S.T.F.U free diet. It needs to be rectified immediately.
• Cornel West-Professor, Author, Hip Hop Artist and Crack house Volunteer? Professor West proclaimed that he’d rather work in a crack house than with the Obama Administration. As fucking if! If he doesn’t realize it, we mere mortals do; West is pissed because he and the other stooges Michael Eric Dyson and Tavis Smiley haven’t been invited to the White House. Does he not understand the PBO has more important things to do other than stroke the egos of public intellectuals. Dr. West, have some S.T.F.U and ruminate over that please.
• Heidi and Spencer Pratt-I’ll admit I’ve never watched a single episode of  “The Hills”. Apparently they were the villans of the show and now they’ve taken their ditz act to the mainstream. It doesn’t look like things are working out that well because they got dissed by Whoopie and Joy on “The View” and then got pwned by Al Roker of all people.  How friggin’ pathetic do you have to be to get a smackdown by the Today show weatherman? Maybe a dose of S.T.F.U will help their cause.
• Mitt Romney-Mitt’s Too Legit to Quit…talking that is. Especially when he’s talking about matters he obviously knows nothing about. For a man whose foreign policy experience amounts to some missionary work in France (France? There were Mormons in France?) and rubbing elbows with international Olympic committee members, Mitt is telling anyone who will listen his thoughts on Obama’s recent speech in Cairo. He thinks Obama’s speech sucked and that he made America look bad. Oh, if Irony and Paradox were a WWF Tag Team, Mitt would have been double suplexed by now. Here’s some advice from someone who truly doesn’t give a damn about what you say, Mitt. You’ll never be President! Now bottoms up!

if it weren’t for bad luck, i wouldn’t have no luck at all

Sometimes when it rains, it pours.

The ousted Governor of Illinois (man, it feels good to write that) was brought up for arraignment this week for federal racketeering and fraud. However, the really bad news was that a judge denied Rod Blagojevich’s request to participate in the reality show, “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!” How broken up must Blago be that he can’t frolic in the jungles of a country that has no extradition treaty with the United States. You know it’s all one big conspiracy to keep him from staying famous. We should all be ashamed.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele will have to put away his crystal ball because his soothsaying skills are a bit lacking. Steele predicted that Jim Tedesco would win New York’s 20th district race against Democratic challenger Scott Murphy. In fact, many in the RNC’s inner circle implied that Steele’s hold on the chairmanship depended on Tedesco winning. Well, Tedesco lost and what really bites is that the 20th district is heavily Republican. The tea leaves are reading that the Republicans might have a difficult time during the 2010 elections and MC Steele Moe Dee might not be around to see it happen.

Some people take rejection better than others. Terrance Howard is one of those folks who can’t accept, “no”. After being left out of the Ironman sequel, Howard is bellyaching to anyone who will lend an ear. So confident that he’s totally irreplaceable, he doesn’t think the movie will be the same without him.  He says, “Warner Brothers made a mistake!”. Why? Because they weren’t willing to pay him what he wanted. In these tough economic times, it’s kind of hard to sympathize with an overpaid Hollywood actor with an over sized ego. Terrance needs to learn to let go. I’m sure Hustle & Flow 2 will be coming to a theater soon near you.

all american rejects

-The much anticipated Republican budget proposal was released this week. It was supposed to be the Anti-Obama budget with lots of nice deep tax cuts and spending freezes.  However, what the American public got was a 19 page basement pamphlet full of nothing. No details, no deficit reduction plan, nada.  At that moment the “Party of No” became the party of “Party of Nothing”. To see Boehner & Company pimping this mess in front of the camera’s was embarrassing. I will give them an “A” in PR disasters.  Maybe next time Eric Cantor can get Britney Spears’ help to write the next one.

-In other news from The Right, Rep. Michelle Bachman from Minnesota is calling for an uprising against big bad Socialist Obama. According to her, you’re not a true Patriot unless you are willing to fight to maintain tax breaks for the wealthiest 10%. The Founding Fathers did write about freedom from tyranny, true but they also wrote about sedition and treason as well. Of course I’m assuming Bachman has actually read the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. Silly me! 

-The Right has recruited another foot soldier in the war against everything: Joe The Plumber. Yep, they’ve asked an unemployed, non-union, non plumber to speak out against the Employee Free Choice Act. Feel free to laugh at the horny one. I am.

-Michael Steele emerged from the honeycomb hideout to let us know that he wants to be President if God wills it. What would Jesus do then if faced with criticizing Rush Limbaugh? I doubt the Lawd would say, “It was a jokey joke. I was just playin’ ya’ll!”

una mala semana

 Embattled RNC Chair Michael Steele a.k.a “MC Steele” faced calls for his resignation, a good old fashion mocking by Joe Scarborough, and a FBI investigation into his financial shenanigans during his 2006 Senate run. Yikes. To make matters worse, he had to kowtow and pucker up to the Almighty Rush Limbaugh. It looks like his fellow Republicans are no longer poplocking to “How ya like me now?”

 R&B Singer and Ike Turner devotee, Chris Brown was formally charged this week with two felonies.  His arraignment has been postponed until April in order to give his PR team ample time to create more sympathy. However, the full police report has been released and suffice to say, their modus operandi will only work on those Rhi Rhi hating C.Breezy STANS out there.

 ”American Idol” finalist Tatiana Del Toro made it to the finals and got dumped, only to be brought back for the wild card round to be dumped again. It might not have been as bad a week for her as it was for us. We’re the ones that truly suffered from two nights in a row of her woefully fucktastical version “Saving All My Love”, and the subsequent histrionics. Oh the drama!

 Chicken McNuggets obsessed Latreasa Goodman was arrested and charged for misusing the 911 system for calling 3 times to report that a monstrous McDonald’s worker denied her of her precious McNuggets. Ms. Goodman contends that she did the right thing by calling 911 instead of flying across the counter and getting her money back.  I could understand her rationale say if she ordered a wing pack from Popeyes. Everyone one knows those Cajun spices are enough to throw some bows over, but honestly…